What the fuck even is this?


The last couple of posts very much have a “journal entry” feel to them. Don’t you think? Not my intention. At the same time, Merriam-Webster does define selfish as: concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself. While I will focus on the “selfish AF ideologies” as they relate to my own life, I know that it won’t be enough to keep an audience for long. And I want this to be a mutually beneficial relationship… long-term.

Now, fast forward almost a year. Here we are. After the half-assed soul searching that was created at the inception of this blog, terrible and selfish decisions were made. I’ve thought for the last year about how I wanted to use “Selfish AF” as a platform to understand why people do the things they do. Why I do the things I do and have done. The cultural climate is completely different right now and none of what we’re experiencing could have ever been fathomed when I first started this project. Now more than ever, we’re really beginning to see people for who they are- for better or for worse. It’s weird. To all of a sudden have a veil lifted that we may all have thought was there but never fully realized what it was covering. It’s weird to think about where I was and the veil I covered myself with a year ago and what’s been uncovered. Underneath, what’s been exposed, is significantly darker than expected. So many traumas that I’ve never dealt with, some of which have never even been said aloud.

Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

…. Moving on. See, best way to get over something is to just avoid it entirely. Right? I know mental health is extremely important and I have just about made up my mind to start getting some. That level of selfish is completely acceptable in my opinion.

… And now we’re fast forwarding another 2 or 3 weeks. Because everything is erratic and insane and boring and dull and unorganized and… you fill in the blank. I’m sitting, actually at work realizing that I am going to have to redo this whole “redo” article. That’s fun. The biggest issue is, where to I restart from? I have so many thoughts cluttering my mind, I don’t know which one to start with. This is probably the moment that a good writer grabs the notebook, inevitably sitting right next to them because they are always prepared, and says “Alright, let’s regroup. It’s time to come up with a new idea for this blog.” And then the magic would happen, I’m sure. Unfortunately, I’m not a good writer. Although I do have a notebook sitting next to me. The idea of doing a blog with the “selfish af” theme was because I am entirely selfish and for so long felt it was a bad thing. Which it is/can be, when not within moderation. Sort of like donuts. Mmm donuts. All I want to do is put something out in the universe that let’s people know, “guess what, it’s ok to prioritize yourself first every now and then,” and of course follow up with incredibly brilliant ideas and insightful anecdotes. Seems simple, right?

As I turn to my handy dandy notebook, “alright, let’s regroup.”